A Marriage with Added Value

Values (n, pl): a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.[1]

Values are an integral part of human culture. They influence our decisions, how we behave, and our overall approach to life. Whether we are conscious of it or not, we all have them!

If we were to ask you right now what your top five personal values are, what would be your response?

Really, take a moment to think about that…

Whether you can rattle off a number of things instantly or need a little more time to think about it, you can probably come up with at least a few things that you consider important.

Now, if we were to ask you if you’ve written these values down, or if you have them in a place where you can view them (in your home, in a journal, etc.), what would be your response?

It’s an interesting perspective to consider, right?

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Many of you, like us, probably grew up with a firm set of values through family tradition or life experiences developed over time. Though we each may have a distinct set of values in our own right, we don’t always prioritize this topic of conversation in our relationships. If we do discuss them, it’s probably only every once in a long, long, long while. For many of us, it’s easy to keep our values stored in our minds, similar to those few old outfits that we keep tucked away in the closet. In other words, we often fail to bring them up/out into the forefront.

In striving to make the most of our time of engagement, we were inspired to discuss (as well as write down) a set of key values that we desired to uphold in our marriage. It was certainly one of the most pivotal (and encouraging) moments during our engagement period, as it helped us establish a clear direction for our household. After tying the knot, we then printed these values on a large poster and placed them in our bedroom where we can see them daily (this was done to help us keep them at the forefront of our minds).

By writing and posting a set of information (instructions, tasks, goals, etc.), there are two psychological occurrences at play: the generation effect and external memory.[2] The generation effect refers to the idea that we typically remember information better when we have taken an active part in producing it, while external memory refers to using external cues to help you remember certain information (for example, think of your typical grocery list). By creating a set of values and putting them in a place where we’re able to see them often, we can increase the likelihood of keeping them in the forefront (not the back) of our minds. Not to mention, we must also have the determination to carry them out!

For the purpose of this article, we’ve placed our marriage values below. These eight values encapsulate what we strive to embody every day in our marriage, and they are used as a compass to encourage and hold us accountable as we fulfill our mission, together.

As we face challenges in marriage, it is refreshing to be able to reflect on the ways in which The Lord has unified us in love. Our set of values is a perfect example of this. They have been a source of fuel, motivation, and much-needed accountability. We are grateful for the seeds of unity that have been sown through them.

Call to Action

Whether you are soon to be married or are already married, we encourage you to take time with your significant other to discuss (in detail) what you both value. If you could picture your marriage as a building, think of your values as the pillars that help reinforce the structure of it. Write them down, put them in a place where you can see them, and periodically revisit them in conversation. As you discuss these values, think amongst yourselves:

What do we want our marriage to look like?

How can we honor one another?

What are some qualities that maybe we’ve learned or seen in other couples that we admire?

What behaviors do we desire to maintain? What can we improve upon?

It is our hope that God’s love is the ultimate unifying factor in your marriage, and that you can use this simple exercise to help fuel you along your journey, together!

“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:14, NIV)

Running with you,